Feeling a bit better

    Well things are going a bit better. The panic attacks are getting back under control with the help of klonopin. My doctor is being very understanding and making me feel that I'm not the only one that has them, she is so reassuring and told me to let her hold onto the worries that I have. I also have a great support group with my husband, son, daughter in law, granddaughter, and friends who will sit with me until the feelings pass.
I see my old shrink in November and I'm feeling hopeful that I can get things back under control and get my life back.
    I feeling well enough that I went to the Big E, a big fair in MA, I had a few anxious moments but the girls were right there and helped calm me down. Then on Monday I fell and broke my fibula in my right leg and I'm in a brace thing and might be put into a cast on Thursday. This has made me feel guilty as I can't take the dog out or do the laundry, the washer is down a flight of stairs so I've been doing the crying thing and keep saying I'm sorry to my husband and my poor little dog.
   I'm back to working on things for my shop as I feel better about my life in general. I'll add some pictures of some works in progress soon.
Blessed Be to all!!

Tired of feeling like I'm going to cry

     The last week has been bad I feel like all I want to do is cry and there isn't a reason to be crying. My mind won't stay on any one thing long enough to finish anything which makes me even more depressed. My meds aren't working and I know that I need something else but don't know if the doctor will give me anything new. I've been on lithium. depakote, lithium and depakote together, Zoloft, Prozac, abilify, and right now I'm on cymbalta. They all worked for a while but would almost overnight go from controlling things to doing nothing and it's happening again. I'm going in and out of depression into hypomania and back within 24 hour cycles and don't know who I'll be when and if I get out of bed each day. I'm seeing my general doctor on Tuesday and hope we can come up with something cause I don't know how much longer I can keep it together without either running away or just going to bed and not getting up for a month as I don't know which way I'm going to go.
     I have this one tape that gets going in my brain that says no one needs me , no one will miss me if I'm gone and start putting together a plan to just disappear. And almost every time either the phone will ring or I'll get an email from someone saying they need me for something so I get out of the loop for a day until my mind starts it all over again. I know that it's a faulty tape and I should find a way to destroy it but so far I haven't figured out hoe to do that. It's been my biggest demon for as long as I can remember.
     I'll write again after I see the doctor and hopefully get on a med that will help me to get on the right road  to get back to my knitting and other crafts.
     Goodnight & Goddess Bless

Depression and trying to craft

     Okay it's time to come clean with anyone who is following this and myself. I have been fighting my inner demons for the last month and they are winning. I have bi-polar disorder, disease, or as it used to be called manic depression and right now the depressive side of it is rearing it's head. I have been trying hard to keep going and working on things for my Etsy and Zibbet shop but when I finish something I can't get myself to take photos and get it posted for selling. The problem is that I doubt myself as to if what I've made is good enough that anyone would want to even look at it let alone buy it. So I put it on a shelf and go on to make something else.
      I'm also dealing with some other health issues that are making think twice about where my life is now and where it is going. I have a bad knee and the pain is getting worse with each damp or humid day that we have so that is making it harder to get around. This sets up a vicious cycle because the doctors want me to get exercise to keep the knee and the rest of me limber but when I try to exercise it hurts so I skip it, then I feel guilty that I'm not following what the doctors want me to do. So this works against me with my depression and it goes round and round.
      I take meds for the bi-polar but I'm what is called a rapid cycler and the drugs stop working after awhile and I'm at the point where they aren't doing it for me and so I need to give in and talk to the doctors and try something else. This is hard because my shrink that I worked with for 10 years moved his practice to over 4 hours away about 2 years ago and I haven't been able to find anyone else that I feel as comfortable with as I did him. My general family doctor is great but can't do quite the same as a shrink can so it's more difficult to talk to them about what I need. So I've been trying to deal with the feelings of emptiness and worthlessness by myself so that I don't burden my friends and family.
      I'm not going to write for a while so I can concentrate on getting healthy both body and mind. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Goodnight & Goddess Bless